On forgiveness. (Part 5)

On forgiveness

Part 5: The start of forgiveness is letting go of hurt – but needs to be much more than that

What about giving forgiveness?

I recognise that this is said rather too glibly –  certainly, I do. I suppose that means that I approve of the idea of forgiveness, but, in practice, I find it rather difficult.

If it is a minor matter that I need to forgive, I do find that easy. I am an easy-going, considerate, understanding person, keen to keep the peace, and with a good understanding of the weaknesses of human nature. I do not get angry easily, and am willing to consider how things might look like from another person’s point of view. However, if this sort of forgiveness is easy, then it hardly counts as forgiveness. It is forgiveness – and people with different personalities to mine, and who, perhaps, have fewer advantages than me, and so are not so comfortably inclined to let other people off, may find forgiveness even in “minor” circumstances to be very difficult indeed.

Nevertheless, I think the key issues are to do with forgiveness on a substantial matter, where significant hurt has been done on a matter of importance to me.

Let’s deal with the issue of “forgive and forget” first. I don’t think it is actually possible to forget a serious hurt. You will always be able to call it to mind if you wish, or if some event prompts a memory. However, this is still very different from holding a grievance actively in your heart and mind, and dwelling on it continuously. This is clearly very harmful to yourself – and is often done by sensitive people who are the injured party, while the perpetrator of harm has truly forgotten all about it. So, if you don’t “forgive” in terms of “letting go” you are simply allowing the unjust person who hurt you to hurt you more. In this case, forgiveness is certainly important – though the focus is on protecting yourself rather than on bestowing the gift of forgiveness on the other person. I think this is important to do, but may well be falling short of the Christian ideal of forgiveness. I think it is a good outcome when – although you have not genuinely forgotten – in practice you just don’t bring a hurt to mind. It has lost its power over you – perhaps if the memory of it does come back to mind, you do get a surge of the former negative feelings, but this can often be dealt with as “just a memory of hurt” rather than an ongoing, active hurt. You may well be able to go further than easing your own hurt over the matter by coming to a settled judgement that you will not hold the offence against the person.