Have mercy on me

Dear Lord,

Have mercy on me, a poor sinner.

I have no health in me, nor strength to change.

But with you there is hope,

For you will uphold me with your great love.

Your compassion never fails.

Forgive me,

My faults and failings fill my eyes,

My heart overflows with sorrow that I have let you down.

I cannot turn back the clock, nor promise that I will not fall again.

But you are my hope, and on you I depend.

Lift me up and by your abundant grace restore me to your path.

I turn to you again and want only to walk with you.

Draw near and accompany me on my life’s journey.

In you alone do I find hope of wholeness.

You alone are able to heal me and so I open my heart and mind to you.

In humble trust I ask you to give me the gifts I need to honour you.

Enable me to know the fullness of life that comes from being in your presence.

Then I will rejoice each moment and exult in your goodness.

I will serve you and care for others in their distress.

Your purity erases all stains,

Your love overflows into the goodness of friends celebrating together,

Your grace never fails.

Cradle of hope

In God, we find a cradle of hope.

We are not alone; he will never desert us.

He always loves us and always works for our good.

He will not succumb to our complaining, wheedling or manipulation,

But will remain true to himself and keep calling us to his standards.

He speaks complete truth and will not let us distort it.

He demands justice and will not let us forget it.

He judges against us when we deserve it,

But always to direct us to life.

He is always ready to forgive us,

Even when we cannot forgive ourselves.

When our own strength is exhausted, his is not.

When despair engulfs our hopes, his still shine brightly.

He has a remarkable ability to bring good out of evil.

He can heal us, even when we thought the wound was fatal.

He can make us clean, no matter how filthy we have become.

When someone dirty touches him, he is not tainted, but the person is purified.

He brings people together; we find our unity in him.

His love overcomes all barriers and obstacles.

He creates the grounds for new beginnings.

He vindicates us, even when no-one else does.

When justice is denied us, he reassures us that the ultimate decisions lie with him.

When others belittle us, he lifts us up.

He loves peace.

He opens our eyes to what life is really for.

He shows us what fullness of life is like.

He becomes a spring of life within us,

Refreshing, invigorating, empowering.

When we experience his presence, we find the ultimate,

The answer to all our questions and longing;

Life in all its fullness is ours.

We can die happy, knowing that nothing of importance has been denied us,

We have not failed in the living of our lives,

Our lives are fulfilled, complete, whole.

In a world of cruel injustice, he suffers with us.

Every tear that falls from our eyes is matched by his.

Our impotent rage, he not only understands, but chooses to share.

But patiently he tends our wounds, and will not give in to hate –

Not that you want to cross him; his judgement is just, clear and fierce;

He looks at us and he does not blink.

But as for me, I would just hate and condemn and hurt,

But he is still looking for reconciliation.

When we are weary of crying and can feel no more,

He continues, and drinks the cup to the last drop.

And still he loves.

He directs us how to live our lives.

He is so much more creative, original and joyful than us.

He surprises us.

He always gives us the gifts we need to live the life he shows us.

He enriches us beyond measure, and teaches us how to measure what is worthwhile.

He opens our eyes,

And our hearts and minds,

And he fills all of them with good things.

He has a path for us to follow,

A path that is his and ours at the same time.

The difficulty of keeping to the path is what shapes us into his likeness,

And makes us whole.

The love given and received on this path is what enriches us.

Thus he gives our lives meaning and purpose.

He fills us with joy and peace and love.

Though we stray, he always searches us out, and will not rest till he has rescued us.

All our past, and future, failures are redeemed by him and shaped into something good.

How does he do all these things?

He has no money, or worldly position of power; no armies obey his orders.

I have never seen a miracle; nature unfolds according to its own laws.

He has only one avenue to achieve his will.

He speaks in our minds and stirs our hearts.

He joins us together and shows us what we have at our disposal to share.

He calls us to follow him; to live with him; to be with him.

He empowers us with his vision.

He gives us hope.

Mary, they say.

I don’t know if I can go through with this.

They’ll say that I’m a liar, a fantasist, that I’m making it all up just so that people will think I’m important, but I swear I’m just telling you what happened. Or trying to put into words what it means and how I feel. God was with me, and I was frightened. I had no idea what was going on – how could I make this up?! But when it was all over, and the angel had gone, and it was just me again, all on my own, I felt calm and glad, and I had a plan – God’s plan, and I was part of it.

They’ll say that I’m stupid, a naïve little girl who doesn’t know what she’s talking about. I agree, I don’t really understand this. I can’t explain it, can’t rationalise it, can’t make sense of what God is up to. They are right – I have no education at all. But this is God in action. We’ll work out later what it all means; right now we have to – I have to – join in with God’s action. I have no idea how this will end, but hovering in the air while the angel spoke were promises of glory that make no sense to me. I could not take them all in; I couldn’t now give you the exact words, but I am left with a deep calm, and a joy that wells up within me such that it bursts out in song.

They’ll say that I am a slut. That I’ve opened my legs for some man who took my fancy, but it was my heart that I opened to God. The message was so unexpected, so overwhelming. Who am I that God should take any account of me? Yet he has blessed me forever. And used me in his plan of salvation that is so outrageously unexpected, so gloriously unlikely to succeed, so creatively full of love and life and hope. So simple, no-one thought he would try it. Yet he has promised me that our salvation is secure and I believe him.

They’ll say I was forced; they’ll be oh so clever – far more clever than I will ever be – and say that behind the piety, really, I was raped. But that’s not how it was. I don’t remember being asked exactly; more told what was going to happen, but then again, I freely gave my consent. They will say that I didn’t really understand what I was letting myself in for, that I don’t fully see what’s going on – and they’re right, of course – but at the heart of it I do see. God needed me and my soul rejoiced. I exult in what is happening to me, in me, through me.

They’ll say that it’s degrading to be used like this, but now I think about it, it seems to me that many will say that it’s God who has degraded himself – getting himself mixed up in human flesh, when he should remain pure spirit. Conjoining himself to woman, whom so many despise, adopting the blood and mess of birth as the way to impart grace. Yet he has chosen the lowly in order to exalt us, and in humility, makes himself radiantly glorious. God chose me.

Again, people will twist my words: “So, he’s using you! Using your womb – and you don’t even see it!”. But I do see it. It’s happening to me. I can sense the presence and the power of God within me. And it is not just my flesh that’s being employed. They will call me “God-bearer”, and many will only truly see God when they see me cradling him, when they see my love for him and his dependence on me, even as I depend on him. And it was me who said, “let it be so”.

I’ve not heard anyone say yet that I’m blessed, but that’s how I feel. I feel that I’ve been included in God’s plan; chosen for a special task. I don’t want to say I’m special – maybe later on some people will say that, but for now, I believe I’ve been given a promise, and it’s up to me to keep it – I mean, let happen whatever it is that God wants to happen. He asked me to do something for him. He wants me to co-operate with his plan – and I think it’s a good plan, and many will be blessed because of what I’m doing.

But even those on my side will get in wrong.

They’ll say I’m still a virgin. As though my son wasn’t brought into the world through blood and pain like everyone else. As though it did not change me forever. As though, somehow, it was easy for me because God is involved. Isn’t it obvious that everything is more difficult for me precisely because God is involved? What’s the point of God doing this if you’re not willing to accept the reality of God in flesh?

They’ll say I’m perfect and put me on a pedestal. I’m bloody well not you know! I’m a woman. I live on the edge of poverty and powerlessness. I gave birth in the muck of a stable floor. And afterwards, life went on and I had to get on with it.

And, yes, I know it’s impossible. I’m not a fool you know. I’m saying nothing; they just say I ponder these things over in my heart.

They say I should not do it. It’s too risky, too dangerous. Look at the state of the world! Why should anyone want to bring a child into the world only to risk heartbreak. But I say this is why I have to do it. The world needs my child. I give birth in hope, not in fear. Why? The Lord has promised me; I can’t say more. He’s promised me that my child is a gift. He did not promise that all will go well, just that he is with me. I don’t deny that I am troubled and, yes, sometimes I am afraid, but I don’t let the fear win. He asks me to trust him, and I do. I will give the world my baby as a gift of love.

A Christmas devotion

The baby smiles and I am born.

His tiny hand makes mine seem strong.

The longing in his eyes reflects my own.

I look with love and wonder.

And hold my heart’s desire.

The baby cries and I’m afraid.

His tears break my heart.

How can I comfort this little one,

Who means more to me than my very life?

The baby sleeps and the world’s at peace.

Not a care troubles his little brow.

I hold him tenderly and promise all my love.

What does the future hold in store for you?

How many will look to you with longing?

How many will find in you their heart’s desire?

How many still long for your smiles to fall on them?

But for now, I’m just glad to hold you in my arms.

If anything can break my heart, it’s losing you.

If anyone can mend my heart, again it is you.

And it’s you who brings me comfort,

Whose life gives me my very life.

So, sleep now and be at peace.

Troubles will come, and thorns pierce your brow.

But still I hold you tenderly and promise all my love.

(As Christmas approaches, I’ll try some reflections based on Mary)

My soul rejoices in God, my saviour.

My heart bursts with gratitude and praise.

The goodness of the Lord bubbles up inside me

And I burst into astonished laughter

That he should do this for me.

Who am I that he should even consider me?

Yet he bestows on me such honour.

When I thought of myself as nothing

He held me up for all to see as his beloved.

From this day forward, my life will be blessed

And I put behind me everything that is not true to him.

All I want is to serve his great purpose to deliver those in need.

He has done great things for me and I put myself at his disposal.

He treats me like a shining star, like his own precious child,

Surely, his mercy is everlasting, and he will pour out his goodness on all people.

All who turn to him will be lifted up, finding in him their strength and hope.

I am not daunted by the rich and powerful.

The Lord is with me and I am determined to bring justice to the poor.

He has stretched out his arm to shield me, and to enfold his children.

His righteousness has filled me with energy,

And I feel his anger at those who have ignored his command to show mercy.

They are already worthless and they will be shown up for what they are,

Cast out with the rubbish till they have learnt what it is to have nothing.

But those who call out from their poverty, those in great need,

These he lifts up gently in his arms, and tends to their wounds.

And suddenly I want to shout out that the world is not right.

I demand change, and I commit myself to be part of the change.

I am not daunted by the task, because I can see what God is already doing.

It is happening, and what is still to do is sure

Because the Lord has promised.

He will not forget us, nor ever forsake us, nor ever fail us.

I am just one of his people, and he has called us all.

Anger is forged into righteousness,

Faith sees the end and rejoices.

He showers his mercy upon us.

The arrogant and uncaring will be left with nothing,

But those who look to him will receive all they desire.

Nothing is impossible for him

And I feel his power surging through me.

He is the Lord, and I am his servant.

“Aye, that’ll do” – the sweetest words I ever heard.

Sounds like faint praise, but it’s the wink in the eye as it was said that makes all the difference.

It’s been such a struggle; I felt sure it would end in failure.

But he said I had potential, and I trusted that.

To be honest, I thought I might do a bit better,

But we have to be realistic.

I was a late starter, and a bit slow on the uptake.

Many would have thought I wasn’t worth the effort,

But he saw something in me,

Said he could see something of himself in the way I looked into the far distance,

As though, maybe, there was a new path I hadn’t taken yet, but it might bring me somewhere good.

I nearly didn’t set out – got cold feet; thought I wouldn’t be good enough,

But in the end, he put it just right:

“Good enough is good enough”.

All my life is an act,

No wonder I’m so good at it.

But I found a friend who taught me about roles,

And he helped me to see that my life is not a charade, but a magnificent performance.

Through the discipline of fulfilling my roles – and there are so many of them, and many are so difficult, and sometimes they come at me thick and fast, and others thrust them on me before I’ve even has a chance to say, “Yes”, and some of them, some of them, I’ve been playing all my life – and, where was I? Through the discipline of fulfilling my roles, I have become myself; I have acquired channels to pour out my creativity into the world; I have achieved far more than I would ever have imagined.

This friend, he has taught me so much.

In the world, so many strive for autonomy, but he speaks about surrendering yourself.

People demand, “I must be free to be myself”, but he says, “Come and serve me”.

With clenched fists they shout, “Me, me me”, but he taught me to whisper, “Not me, but me in him”.

Only in this release did I find freedom.

And so, I stride the stage with a confidence I do not have,

I stoop to bind up the wounded – though I don’t really care that much,

I leap with joy, though I am far too shy to do that.

Remember, it is all an act really,

And I’m getting pretty good at it,

So much so, that every now and then people say,

“You know, you’re really getting to be like your friend”.

And the best thing about this?

I don’t feel small to be compared to him;

I feel deep-down glad.