I am not just wallowing on the ground; I want to get up

I am not just wallowing on the ground; I want to get up

Sometimes, it can take years to wake up. Then one day, you open your eyes and you can see. With dazzling clarity, you are face to face with the truth that has eluded you for so long. As though your mind is a spring bulb pushing up from the earth to emerge into light, the whole world opens up before you. The weight drops from your shoulders and the heaviness pressing down on your head has gone. You have the courage and hope to face into the breeze and smile, rather than wrap your arms around yourself to huddle away from the cold. Recognising your past mistakes is always a hopeful thing; it shows that you have grown. As your horizon expands away from you, empowered by your new vision, it is not taking your goal further away from you, but opening up a vast new arena into which you are free to move and explore. Yes, the anguish of failure is sharp; the pain of regret lingers long – perhaps too long; our mistakes torment us. But even these experiences are part of our growing, and the day you open your eyes and see, it is not the past that calls you, but the promise of the future that you know is this moment’s gift to you. What next?

If Adam had not fallen. Part 2

If Adam had not fallen

Part 2: We have fallen further than we think

I am not as I could be. I am not as I should be. I am painfully aware that I could be so much better than I am. Therefore, I want to strive to become better. This is a key dynamic of my life.

Of course, I could ignore this impulse and rationalise it. Stick Genesis in the bin and go easy on myself. I am an evolved creature. I have to live in society, and society has its laws which I’d better not break unless I want to risk the prescribed penalty, and we have codes of behaviour that most of us regard as “good” – they help us to get along with each other and feel OK about ourselves. We recognise that we will make mistakes from time to time – but that’s only natural. We will do our best, perhaps come to terms with some weakness we can’t master, and just get on with our lives – don’t be too hard on yourself.

Yes, that could work – all so reasonable, but we may well just be deluding ourselves. Settling for half-measures. As individuals and as a society, we sell ourselves into a cosy bed of corruption. “Ooh, surely that word “corruption” is too harsh?”. Very few of us do anything that is “really bad”. Yes, I was weak and snatched at something when I should have shown some moral composure – but it wasn’t that bad. Yet somehow, we are in the world as it is, with so much suffering. It is part of the nature of evil that makes it so very evil that just little failures here and there somehow add up to the horrors that so many people endure.

We have fallen further than we think

We have fallen further than we think

Some people complain that religious people are obsessed with sin: it’s all so negative and dreary, but I say that our concern with sin is the most hopeful, dynamically beneficial thing we can do. As I recognise the gap between where I am and where I could be, it energises me to climb higher. When I see how people suffer unnecessarily because of human greed and hatred, then I have a mission for my life to relieve it. I can see that when righteous anger and compassion combine injustice can be overcome and suffering transformed into wholeness, well-being and peace. So, no, I don’t want to get too cosy; I want to remind myself regularly that not all is well, and this is because not all is well with me – or you either. Being troubled by this is God’s gift to me, and my gift to others. The extraordinary impact of small acts of selfishness to blight another person’s life needs to be exceeded by the power of small acts of kindness to heal and unite us. I am not as I could be. I am not as I should be; but God has a vision for us all.

Genesis is still true

Genesis is still true

When I say, “I believe Genesis is true” people scoff because they think I must mean the creation story in chapters 1 and 2, but it is chapter 3 where the axe still falls and cuts us to the quick. I stand in Adam’s shoes – and so do you, unless you prefer Eve’s – it makes no difference. The judgement still stands.

This old story – yes, just a story, but what a story, ageless as the hills, deep enough to swallow up the sea, tells me the truth about myself.

Forever I stand at a crossroads, and God, this wonderful, all-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful God has said to me: “You choose which way to go”. Me! Why give me this power, this authority, this choice?

“You know best”, I scream. “You choose the way for me to go!”, but he replies, “No, I leave it to you”.

Such freedom! Such awesome, exhilarating freedom, fraught with dread and glory.

And so, I sit at the crossroads and meditate on my wrong choices. I am not complaining that I can’t read the future – I don’t condemn myself for being tricked by how things unexpectedly turned out. And many times I have chosen rightly. But today, I sit quietly with the Lord and think on those times when it was clear to me which path was best – and I chose the other one.

This is perhaps the strangest truth of all about me: I knew the right answer, but still managed to get it wrong. I am quite kind to myself – I know what a human being is, and the Lord is kinder still, but just now I would like to be sad and lament my wrong choices. To say to God, “Sorry” – there’s no point saying anything else, and saying to all those people I have harmed: “I am sorry”.

If Adam had not fallen. Part 1

If Adam had not fallen

(A theological reflection, coming in 5 parts)

Part 1: Genesis is still true

It sounds arcane, but this question, so crucial to Christian thinkers from Augustine to Calvin and beyond, but now regarded by secular thinkers as irrelevant, is, in fact, still central to understanding what it is like to be human.

Traditionally, the story of Adam and Eve was understood to be literally true. Adam had been created directly by God and lived in a state of perfect innocence and bliss, in harmony with God and creation. Then he ate the apple. Since then, life is a struggle and evil and suffering are rampant. If only Adam had not fallen, everything would have been good, instead, so many things are wrong.

We now know that this story is factually wrong. Evolution teaches us that there was never a time when humanity was at a pinnacle of moral behaviour from which we have fallen. Like all creatures we evolved through a ruthless system of self-interest, which is, strictly speaking, amoral. In the struggle for survival, creatures do not weigh up the morality of their actions and then make a judgement – morally better or worse – instead, they just do what is necessary to survive. However, as we evolved, we developed a moral conscience which now tells us that some actions we morally approve of and others we don’t – though we may still do them because the temptation to follow our self-interest is so strong. So, the story of Adam and Eve is false: we did not descend from a moral high plane, if anything, we have been making progress.

However, this is where the story in Genesis is still true, because it gives us a profoundly accurate, truthful account of the human condition. If Adam had not fallen is still a fundamental issue, because Adam stands for us all. I am not as I could be. I am not as I should be.

The Path

The Path

Philosophical reflections following a lovely September walk along the Hogsmill river

Why is it so enticing? To see the path stretching out ahead of you? The freedom is wonderful – especially when it’s a path you’ve never trodden before. What will be around the next corner? The wonder is much enhanced when the purpose of the walk is just to walk the path. Functional walks to get somewhere on an important errand can also be enjoyable, but this is different. It becomes an existential thing where you simply exult to be alive, and able to do this walk.

The nature of the path is important, of course. It will be one that radiates the beauty of nature. And now you think, “How wonderful it is to be alive, on this day, in this place, where I have nothing to do except follow this path and see where it leads”. As well as the beauty, there will be tranquillity. And this is one of the qualities that most impinges on your senses. You can hardly believe that it is so still and peaceful. Where you can hear the quietness. Or when the beauty of birdsong cuts the chains of your heart so that your spirit soars with the song. For tranquillity, you may also need solitude. This, of course, is not loneliness, but a relishing of the opportunity to have this supreme moment to yourself. If you are with your dearly loved ones, the moment is enhanced, but only because it becomes a shared solitude. You are on the path, and you have it to yourself – at least as far as you can see and hear. And the experience of the path is not diminished if you are alone – and perhaps it is even enhanced – you are simply swapping the joy of a shared enchanting moment with your own, personal enchanting moment.

However, one of my big puzzles on the path is why I want to stop so often. Why is this? I’m really not sure, so I’m trying to think it through. It could be a – maybe – negative thing – that I am aware that I am using up the path by walking along it too quickly, and so I want to stop and hold it in my heart. Possibly, it’s also my desire to try and squeeze out of a moment an experience that can never be taken away from me – trying to solidify the experience – perhaps in the way a photograph tries to capture a moment. I say these responses may be negative, because I have learnt that you cannot grasp a moment and hold onto it. A path has to be travelled. Once you stop walking, you have stopped your journey – but not arrived anywhere. Time always keeps flowing forward, one second at a time, and we cannot halt it, or snatch at the reality of life and say, “I will keep hold of this as my souvenir” – as though the souvenir was the point of life, rather than the experience of life being its point.

But I think one of my reasons for stopping is about the sense of movement – that the path looks different when you have stopped compared to when you are travelling along it. The walk is too active – your body is moving; there is the sound of your feet, and perhaps things in your pockets; your very eyes are bouncing up and down with each step, as you survey the scene. Somehow, the movement is not doing justice to the tranquillity and beauty of the place, nor to the solitude of the moment. All these things are so outrageously, extravagantly present, that it dishonours them to just pass through. Movement is not doing justice to the perfection of the time-moment in which you find yourself, not giving due reverence to the sublime beauty of it, as though you are greedy for the next moment, as though this one is not complete fulfilment in itself. As when entering a great cathedral, the sanctity and awe of the place compels not just silence, but the need to stop. So, why are we stopping? Because we are aware that the splendour of this moment is overwhelming. As we pass along the path, we become aware that we are only taking in a fraction of the sacred beauty of this moment of “time in space” – shall we call it “life”? And the only adequate response is to stop in silent exultation that “I am here, now, in this place”. It is a moment of such completeness – or, rather, of such overflowing fullness, that we become aware that, “This is all just too much”. But then, having stopped, it is indeed too much; we cannot contain it; we cannot fully comprehend it. The experience both fills us and leaves us with the knowledge that we have only sipped from an ocean. And so we move on.

For, as well as stopping, there is the joy of the ongoing path. “The road runs ever on and on, and I must follow where it has gone”. On a long journey, for a time, it is as though the path is infinite – and that is how we want it to be. Later on, we will become tired and be glad when home looms into sight. But near the start of the path – especially the one not walked before – this sense of being already overcome by beauty – and there is another turn of the corner and then another to come, is an overwhelming joy. In that moment of stillness in our pauses, or as we travel along, we are one with the infinite, and we consciously experience that to be the case. Just now, I nearly said, “But near the start of the path – especially the one where the destination is unknown”. And, although, in a way, we do know the destination, for we will have a concept of where the end of the walk will take us to, but in another way, we don’t know the destination, for we don’t know what will be there. We cannot picture it, for we have never experienced it. In this way, although the destination is known about, our experience is completely focussed on the path. And perhaps this is another pleasure of the path: being fully focused on the experience of the present moment. All we can see is to the next corner, and what is beyond that, we do not know.

There is, perhaps, one more aspect to the path I want to consider, and that is the desire to look back at where I’ve just come from. As you walk the path, the route in view is so enticing. But, if you look backwards, the view is just as enticing. The beauty, tranquillity and solitude – which impart such a sense of fullness, remember – are just as great in that direction as going forwards. And you know it to be a wonderful path, because you’ve just walked it. I don’t think the looking backwards is a desire to do that bit again – though it might be – and, certainly, a truly beautiful walk is nearly as fulfilling if you do it again. There is the peculiarity that when you look back at the path, it looks very different from when you were looking forwards at it. Your perspective has changed. It looked wonderfully enticing when it was ahead of you, and it looks wonderfully enticing now it’s behind you – the same path, but now looking different. I cannot really come to terms with this desire to look backwards – though it is not overwhelmingly strong – but it is there. I don’t think it’s regret for what I can no longer do for the first time, because I’ve just done it. Perhaps it is simply back to that awareness that there is supreme sanctification in this moment of life. I want to savour it; to relish it; to not move on too quickly; to have a moment of thanksgiving and reflection; to acknowledge that that portion of the path was a gift of everlasting grace, and now I turn again to go forward and see what the next stretch holds.

In praise of God

In praise of God  

All praise to you, my Lord, my God.

By your great mercies, you have redeemed me.

When I was powerless, when I was incapable of doing anything to remedy my errors and my defects, you set me free.

Not for any promises I might make of future faithfulness, but purely from your grace. For it is your nature to have mercy, and we now, and always, depend on your grace. You love us – for it is your nature to love. Still, you do not have to love us, but you do. Never failing to love us, yet, out of love for us, you respect even our sins, allowing us freedom to depart from you – though you never depart from us. Latent with love, you wait only for us to stop resisting you. Even before our response, you pour into our souls your forgiveness till we are ready to turn to you again.

And it is in forgiveness that we are redeemed. Pouring your goodness, truth and love into our lives, you restore our relationship with you, which alone gives us life, allows us to stand, and lift up our heads. In forgiveness, we reacquire the ability to turn to you and be healed.

And such healing is found in you as to mend all hurts – and the greatest of hurts is that we turned from you and lost all hope and peace, all soundness of body, mind, heart and soul. Yet such is your cleansing that we are completely clean. Clean as though never soiled, yet also clean in constant awareness that we were not clean, till we accepted your grace. So, we attain a wholeness greater than ever – for having been broken. Still, it would have been better never to have broken, but having broken, in your grace, it becomes a means for even greater grace. Thus, penitence and joy are held in our hearts together, praising you for finding remedy for our sins, and rejoicing in the life restored to us, open to live in union with you, dear Lord.

I will never stop praising you. I gladly commit myself to living to please you. My hope is to walk in step with you forever, but when I find this too hard, I will not despair, but trust in you, and call on you to give grace and yet more grace. With all my heart and soul and mind and strength, I want to know you, and to love you, and to serve you.

Through Jesus Christ, our Lord.

Amen

The importance of being a miserable sinner! Part 5

The importance of being a miserable sinner!

Part 5: Positive change for those who know they are sinners

Thus, there seems to be a fundamental discord between the Christian view and some modern secular views of life. The Christian considers that life is about living up to a standard, while modern ideologies insist on complete freedom from any standard. The secular view seems to be extremely brittle. While the Christian happily accepts their status as a sinner, and embraces a way of life that enables them to come to terms with their mistakes, repent, try to make amends, and try to do better in future, the secular person seems to be just asserting that whatever they happen to be like, and whatever they do, must be deemed to be acceptable. There doesn’t seem to be any means under modern ideology for people to accept that they are not perfect, without thinking that they are therefore not acceptable. This seems to generate a great deal of anger. If you cannot accept any criticism at all without feeling that you are not accepted in society, then there will be a tendency to attack anyone who raises any queries about how you live. This is exactly what we see happening in society today, where intolerant outrage is the order of the day. The Christian idea of being a loved sinner gives a much more robust and beneficial approach to life, for it gives a ready mechanism for understanding that you can be far from perfect, but still fully accepted, and, in fact, more than accepted: completely and utterly loved.

Grow towards the light

Grow towards the light

Come to the light; don’t hide in the shadows.

Yes, the light will show up your blemishes, but you will also see clearly, and be less likely to stumble.

You will see others and allow them to see you, so that you can truly recognise each other and learn from each other.

Bask in the light, exulting in the beauty and wonder that it shows you,

Rejoicing in what is, and in what can become.

Let go of fear and hatred in the light of truth.

Allow goodness to show you the way, even though it takes you far from where you started.

Don’t retreat back into the dark where you feel safe.

Reach out towards the light.

You can absorb more of it than you think.

It will transform you.

Like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis, your hard exterior needs to crack open.

Yes, this protected you while you needed it, and you might fear it must hurt when it splits and you emerge,

But you will never fly unless you do.

The light is God’s gift to you.

It is filled with his love.

He will show you what to do.

The importance of being a miserable sinner! Part 4

The importance of being a miserable sinner!

Part 4: The distortion of freedom into license

This is linked to the modern emphasis on freedom as the be all and end all of human existence: I demand my right to be completely free. We all love freedom, but, very tellingly, modern ideologies also demand the right never to be criticised, challenged or even questioned, as they see that as oppressive interference in the freedom to do whatever I please: how can I be truly free if someone criticises me and so I feel bad about doing what I want? Freedom is wonderful, but in modern society when the word “freedom” is used, it could often be better translated as “licence”. There are so many terrible things that we need to be freed from, and so many good things that we want to be free to do, but many people who shout for “freedom” really mean: “I demand the right to do whatever I damn well please! – And everyone must approve of this”. It is this false understanding of freedom that fuels the aggressive intolerance that is becoming the trademark of modern society. This hatred and intolerance of challenge suggests to me a subconscious realisation that there are indeed things at fault with me, but I don’t want to face up to it, so I will be incensed at anyone who raises the matter with me. Even if you are deep-down content with the choices you have made, if we truly value freedom, we will have to accept that different people want to use their freedom to do different things. Ironically – tragically – it is often those who trumpet the loudest their demands to be free to live their way of life who refuse to allow the same freedom to others who want to live their life a different way.