Addressing the issue of self-hatred in Christianity. Part 3

Addressing the issue of self-hatred in Christianity

Part 3: God’s love always offers us more

Now, I believe, we find the basis for those words that might be taken as signs of self-hatred, but which are, in fact, the opposite – and, in fact, a sign of the believer being taken beyond themselves in love for God and love for others.

So, in relation to my humanistic assessment of people in general, and of myself in particular, I am able to maintain a healthy appreciation that – despite many failures of which I am acutely aware – that “I’m doing OK; I am a good person”. Yet when I turn my attention to God, I perceive such perfect goodness, truth and love that I shudder in horror at myself. Note that my feeble human appreciation of God’s perfection is not the fullness of his perfection, but only that tiny part of which my mind is capable of holding. My horror at myself is enhanced precisely because I am aware of the goodness of God, and very aware that his gracious gifts to me can (and sometimes do) enable a life transformed by God’s love. I know that all the fullness of the life of God is open to me, and even though I regularly enjoy this blessing, yet in my weakness I “cannot be bothered” to make more progress in the way of life that God has opened up to me. It is the sheer banality of that impulse – that I cannot be bothered – that is the root of my ideas of “detesting my failures”. I am not even being overcome by the mighty battle between good and evil (usually); I simply can’t rouse myself to action to make greater progress on the path of peace and joy that I do truly love.

So, any negative thoughts about myself in my devotions are primarily prompted by my reacquaintance with the wonder of who God is. As I refocus on him, the transforming freedom and energy to live a new and better life brings into sharp contrast my failure to honour him as I could – and I truly could. But my awareness of failure and weakness is made possible as I leave them behind, as God lifts me up – whereas, before the liberation of prayer I was not nearly so aware of my failures and weakness because I was held within them.

Therefore, in my devotions, apparent signs of condemning myself are truly signs of redeeming grace lifting me out of an inadequate life in which I would continue to dwell if it was not for the encounter with the God of love in my devotions. As God lifts me up, I can see more clearly the things that hold me down when I live “by myself” rather than “with God”. Any negative assessment of myself is simply expressing a positive assessment of God – both for who he is, and for his love shown to me. As I shed (for a time) the restraining failures of humanity, I embrace the liberating possibilities of humanity animated by the love of God. And perhaps the ultimate sign of this is that, held within the love of God, the transformation is more than even the change from awareness of weakness and failure to awareness of joyful fulfilment; the transformation is from someone endlessly concerned with himself (and his self-interests) to someone able to make a little space to forget his personal journey – even the journey of transformation – in order to care for others. This is still a challenge for I – in my terrible weakness – am still inclined to think of God as the one who saves me, in his great love for me, when the true transformation is for me to join in the love of God who loves us all and seeks to bring all of us to wholeness of life.