If Adam had not fallen. Part 3

If Adam had not fallen

Part 3: I am not just wallowing on the ground; I want to get up

I am not as I could be. I am not as I should be. Of course, I am a conventionally good person. Some might pick out particular strong points and describe me as exceptionally kind and gentle. But I could have been so much more. That is now all in the past. It’s a regret I cannot now put right. And I could still be so much more. What is so painful is the realisation that I need not have fallen. I face the temptation, and I know that a person of good character would not fall into it. Yet somehow the temptation always catches me unawares. If my guard was up, I could have dismissed the course of action as unworthy of me, but somehow, I am always recognising this in retrospect – even though I saw clearly at the time that I should not do it. But falling happens so quickly, and it is so easy to do it. Even when I have absolute clarity that the temptation is an illusion, that it will not really satisfy at all, somehow, I still fall into it – almost as though I need to remind myself, “Yes, that was a mistake”. I don’t believe I am being unnecessarily hard on myself. I am so angry that I – like Adam, like all of us – fall – when it need not have happened. This is the greatest regret: I fell, but I didn’t have to. What sort of person would I be if I had not fallen? What kind of person could I become now if I could learn not to fall? What would have been the effect on those around me? How can I help those around me now?